_ Monday, July 21, 2008 ;
Arrgh! These 2 days were like terrible. Why am I always causing so much trouble? I want to make things better but I just make things worst then before. It was all my fault!! So terrible at handling things like this. From now on I will not help anymore. Shouldn't act clever. Maybe I just shouldn't even join in the clique. After I joined in, there are so much things happening. I just bring their whole group down. Maybe what other friends say were right, I just have too much things to handle and to listen but I am still carrying on more things that i can't bear. I should just leave things in the way they should be and not touching or handle it myself. Just acting clever. I should know where i stand and not help others by bothering them.
School term is ending and I still unsure about my studies. I just can't concentrate well. Why am I living for this 18 years of life. Feeling so damn useless! Didn't even achieve anything. Not good in studies, friendship messed up, even I found myself not devoted to a religion. My whole life is in a total mess. Can someone pick me up? Is this God's test?
Still haven't started my case study for CPPB. Will try to complete soon by Thursday night! My only aim for now. Then after that all my schools stuffs to study. Not going to touch anything about my wounds and personal life. Just study! Leave everything to after exams! I will try my best to do that. Don't want to be a failure and let others to see me as a failure!
School term is ending and I still unsure about my studies. I just can't concentrate well. Why am I living for this 18 years of life. Feeling so damn useless! Didn't even achieve anything. Not good in studies, friendship messed up, even I found myself not devoted to a religion. My whole life is in a total mess. Can someone pick me up? Is this God's test?
Still haven't started my case study for CPPB. Will try to complete soon by Thursday night! My only aim for now. Then after that all my schools stuffs to study. Not going to touch anything about my wounds and personal life. Just study! Leave everything to after exams! I will try my best to do that. Don't want to be a failure and let others to see me as a failure!
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 9:48 PM .
_ Sunday, July 20, 2008 ;
Wow. It's been like 3 weeks that I did not post anything. It has been a busy month for me. No ending reports and case study to rush. Go to school to study but knows nothing. Just feel so useless. When all my friends are down. I also can't do anything to help. Know nothing about my friends. Such a failure!
I feel that I just can't concentrate in things that I should do and I want to do. I feel so vexed these few days. Can't control my emotions anymore. My health since to deteriorate a lot. Every time feels like vomiting and feel so giddy all the time. Maybe due to pressure that causes all these to happen. A lot of things is bothering me. Trying to divert my attention to other things but it seems that it just can't work. Past memories are so cruel. It pulls me back to the endless pain that I suffered before. No matter how hard I try things just don't go better.
Feelings of being controlled wasn't good. I am a person that needs a lot of freedom and my own space to take a breather. Maybe I just can't take the stress or pressure. I am just not use to it. Just pray that things will go better!
From now onwards, my whole weekend will be burnt. Friday CG changes to Sunday. No more rest day for me on Sunday. My birthday is arriving. But I want to have a peaceful time with all my close friends. Just a dinner or lunch will be good. Maybe I have too much good birthday celebrations in the past. So now, I don't ask for much. Hahas. Its great to have so much friends around me but it may also be something bad. I know that God loves me. He won't put me in a difficult position only if there is a need. God is always kind to us. Maybe now what I am going through is a time that let me brush up my everything. After all these things that will be good things going to happen.
Hoping to go to a place with peacefulness to hide all my sorrows, pains and emptiness. I want to beach! Its full of peace. A place that let me calm myself down, a place that will let me forget everything and a place to see beautiful scenery. Hope I can go soon! Hahas. (:
I feel that I just can't concentrate in things that I should do and I want to do. I feel so vexed these few days. Can't control my emotions anymore. My health since to deteriorate a lot. Every time feels like vomiting and feel so giddy all the time. Maybe due to pressure that causes all these to happen. A lot of things is bothering me. Trying to divert my attention to other things but it seems that it just can't work. Past memories are so cruel. It pulls me back to the endless pain that I suffered before. No matter how hard I try things just don't go better.
Feelings of being controlled wasn't good. I am a person that needs a lot of freedom and my own space to take a breather. Maybe I just can't take the stress or pressure. I am just not use to it. Just pray that things will go better!
From now onwards, my whole weekend will be burnt. Friday CG changes to Sunday. No more rest day for me on Sunday. My birthday is arriving. But I want to have a peaceful time with all my close friends. Just a dinner or lunch will be good. Maybe I have too much good birthday celebrations in the past. So now, I don't ask for much. Hahas. Its great to have so much friends around me but it may also be something bad. I know that God loves me. He won't put me in a difficult position only if there is a need. God is always kind to us. Maybe now what I am going through is a time that let me brush up my everything. After all these things that will be good things going to happen.
Hoping to go to a place with peacefulness to hide all my sorrows, pains and emptiness. I want to beach! Its full of peace. A place that let me calm myself down, a place that will let me forget everything and a place to see beautiful scenery. Hope I can go soon! Hahas. (:
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 1:25 AM .