_ Friday, November 21, 2008 ;
I have been trying to train my stamina these 2 weeks. And I finally can jog 5 rounds around circle green without stopping and I won't go out of breath. I am really happy. I am trying to use this way to lose weight and to train for my upcoming NAFA. I think my body is made up of plastics. Can't lose weight now. Tomorrow will be jogging again. I hope can conquer the 6th round. My speed still slow but my stamina is there, I believe.
Still searching for my motivation in life. To push me to the limit, to excel in my life. Time goes by fast and I felt that I just live the days by doing nothing. Till now, only a few of my friends know that I came back to blog after a long time. I decided to let the others slowly find out that I came back blogging.
Been thinking a lot this week. I am a very fortunate girl. My family consider near perfect, friendship consider perfect. Nothing in my life for the present has been bad. Maybe there are some things that worries me but its nothing really serious. But now, I just felt the emptiness in my heart. Like a person without a soul. After jogging for these 2 weeks, I found out that when I jog these days, I show no expression. Just like a empty shell jogging.
In the past, I fear death. Now, death to me is just nothing. I am just worried that if i really meet death one day, the only thing I can't let go will be my beloved family and friends. To me, their are my responsible to take care of them, to give them concern, to provide them with love and entertainment. The only left in this world that I haven't fulfill is filial piety. I am still a student, I don't have work that can support my parents, give them a good life. They should enjoy life by now if it wasn't me. My second sister and mother is working to provide for the family. Because of me, I am the youngest in my family, my mother has to continue working until i graduate and when i step into the working society. When I see other parents, I felt so guilty. Others parents at my parents age are now at home taking care of their grandchildren. When they have time, they can go to the nearest park for Taichi to keep them healthy. Their children give them money to go overseas to enjoy and take a good look of other countries culture. But what about my parents, fighting hard to maintain in their job, in the meanwhile they have to take care of their health.
I felt so useless. Only knows how to spend their money. Well, others may think that finding a job is an alternative but now, in this kind of economy, who will want to employ a student to work part time. My time after i started in poly no longer flexible or even stable. But what can I do?
Every time I see my mother suffer in pain due to her health, my heart seems to have thousand of knives slicing it. But I said nothing at all to her. I am not that kind that is good at expressing my feelings to my love ones. It hurts deep down but how can I show it out? I have kick the habit of showing my weakness to others for a long time. And I am used to this kind of method. Burying all deep down. Too many knots in my heart ignored, when time passes it started to tie on. From a small and tiny knot to a pile of strings totally messed up.
I found out that when things starts to bother you, it comes not only in ones but in piles. When things starts to bother you, death seems nothing to be afraid of. Death seems so tempting. This is a mind of an human when things go out of control.
But just some things are just not meant to be touched. Let it remain this way. Let those untouched be ignored. Let death be so tempting now...
Still searching for my motivation in life. To push me to the limit, to excel in my life. Time goes by fast and I felt that I just live the days by doing nothing. Till now, only a few of my friends know that I came back to blog after a long time. I decided to let the others slowly find out that I came back blogging.
Been thinking a lot this week. I am a very fortunate girl. My family consider near perfect, friendship consider perfect. Nothing in my life for the present has been bad. Maybe there are some things that worries me but its nothing really serious. But now, I just felt the emptiness in my heart. Like a person without a soul. After jogging for these 2 weeks, I found out that when I jog these days, I show no expression. Just like a empty shell jogging.
In the past, I fear death. Now, death to me is just nothing. I am just worried that if i really meet death one day, the only thing I can't let go will be my beloved family and friends. To me, their are my responsible to take care of them, to give them concern, to provide them with love and entertainment. The only left in this world that I haven't fulfill is filial piety. I am still a student, I don't have work that can support my parents, give them a good life. They should enjoy life by now if it wasn't me. My second sister and mother is working to provide for the family. Because of me, I am the youngest in my family, my mother has to continue working until i graduate and when i step into the working society. When I see other parents, I felt so guilty. Others parents at my parents age are now at home taking care of their grandchildren. When they have time, they can go to the nearest park for Taichi to keep them healthy. Their children give them money to go overseas to enjoy and take a good look of other countries culture. But what about my parents, fighting hard to maintain in their job, in the meanwhile they have to take care of their health.
I felt so useless. Only knows how to spend their money. Well, others may think that finding a job is an alternative but now, in this kind of economy, who will want to employ a student to work part time. My time after i started in poly no longer flexible or even stable. But what can I do?
Every time I see my mother suffer in pain due to her health, my heart seems to have thousand of knives slicing it. But I said nothing at all to her. I am not that kind that is good at expressing my feelings to my love ones. It hurts deep down but how can I show it out? I have kick the habit of showing my weakness to others for a long time. And I am used to this kind of method. Burying all deep down. Too many knots in my heart ignored, when time passes it started to tie on. From a small and tiny knot to a pile of strings totally messed up.
I found out that when things starts to bother you, it comes not only in ones but in piles. When things starts to bother you, death seems nothing to be afraid of. Death seems so tempting. This is a mind of an human when things go out of control.
But just some things are just not meant to be touched. Let it remain this way. Let those untouched be ignored. Let death be so tempting now...
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 12:46 AM .
_ Tuesday, November 18, 2008 ;
Its all about desire. All human beings desires. Who don't? You walk on streets, you see different colour skins or people with same skin colour as you but I strongly believe that different people have different kind of desires. They may be the same race as you but things that we want might be totally different.
Top 5 Desires(not in order)
1. Be wealthy
2. Be healthy
3. Be handsome or pretty
4. Be popular
5. Be happy
I guess a lot of people's desires falls on the above. Who don't want to be rich and not work but to sit down and shake leg?? Who don't want to be healthy? No one wants to live in pain with sicknesses or illnesses. Who don't want to be handsome or pretty? To attracts opposite sex attention. Who don want to be popular, who don't want to be happy??
Everything in life falls in the trap of desires. The more we human desires, the more we want. The hunger will never end until we die off.
People living in poverty desires to live a better life or to be rich. Slowly, their desires become a need and they will start to hunger and hunt for it. It may get so serious that people use all their might to get what they want by stealing, robbing and more. They may get lucky to slip off once or twice but can they get off so easily forever? The consequences are undesirable.
People tries hard to be happy. Not to be so stress up in life. But the more they wanted this to happen. The more stress they got. They never really realise that they are already in happiness and joy. Our expectations are to high that we ourselves can't fulfil and reach it. People end up devasted, tired, drop into huge depression or even the worst case, no will to live in this world.
Handsome and pretty. Right into topic huh. This is what most of the teenagers look up to. Appearance wise come first. Inner beauty second. I, myself, a teenager got to believe in that. Even though not all will look into appearance but I believe more than 70% of teenagers do! Below average looking girls wanted to be pretty. Average looking girls wants to be gorgeous. Pretty girls want to be the most prettiest among all. This serve the same to guys out there. But the percantage of being vain is lesser though. But why girls will think in this way and vice versa? Its simple and understandable isn't it? Guys want to find pretty gals as their partner and its serves another way round also. This desire will only make people grow sick and bring more competitveness to this world. Bigger size people decides not to eat to slim down. People spent more money on make-ups(for girls) and dressing(for all). People just can't to satisfied by their own looks and beauty. This desires may lead to change of character of a person.
To me all desires may change a person totally. Change a person's character, thinking, emotions and also from a heart of gold to nothing. The more people desires for stuffs the harder they have to work for it. Work and work and work and work... Endless desires endless work to do. Slowly a person's original self changes to a person others can't accept or even worst. Even trying to help or solve a problem for our friends and family are also a desire. Nothing in this world is not desired by people I guess. Even I, myself are like this. Kind of sad case here.
I just want a simple and happy life. Even this is simple, short and sweet I guess. But aren't this still desires?
Top 5 Desires(not in order)
1. Be wealthy
2. Be healthy
3. Be handsome or pretty
4. Be popular
5. Be happy
I guess a lot of people's desires falls on the above. Who don't want to be rich and not work but to sit down and shake leg?? Who don't want to be healthy? No one wants to live in pain with sicknesses or illnesses. Who don't want to be handsome or pretty? To attracts opposite sex attention. Who don want to be popular, who don't want to be happy??
Everything in life falls in the trap of desires. The more we human desires, the more we want. The hunger will never end until we die off.
People living in poverty desires to live a better life or to be rich. Slowly, their desires become a need and they will start to hunger and hunt for it. It may get so serious that people use all their might to get what they want by stealing, robbing and more. They may get lucky to slip off once or twice but can they get off so easily forever? The consequences are undesirable.
People tries hard to be happy. Not to be so stress up in life. But the more they wanted this to happen. The more stress they got. They never really realise that they are already in happiness and joy. Our expectations are to high that we ourselves can't fulfil and reach it. People end up devasted, tired, drop into huge depression or even the worst case, no will to live in this world.
Handsome and pretty. Right into topic huh. This is what most of the teenagers look up to. Appearance wise come first. Inner beauty second. I, myself, a teenager got to believe in that. Even though not all will look into appearance but I believe more than 70% of teenagers do! Below average looking girls wanted to be pretty. Average looking girls wants to be gorgeous. Pretty girls want to be the most prettiest among all. This serve the same to guys out there. But the percantage of being vain is lesser though. But why girls will think in this way and vice versa? Its simple and understandable isn't it? Guys want to find pretty gals as their partner and its serves another way round also. This desire will only make people grow sick and bring more competitveness to this world. Bigger size people decides not to eat to slim down. People spent more money on make-ups(for girls) and dressing(for all). People just can't to satisfied by their own looks and beauty. This desires may lead to change of character of a person.
To me all desires may change a person totally. Change a person's character, thinking, emotions and also from a heart of gold to nothing. The more people desires for stuffs the harder they have to work for it. Work and work and work and work... Endless desires endless work to do. Slowly a person's original self changes to a person others can't accept or even worst. Even trying to help or solve a problem for our friends and family are also a desire. Nothing in this world is not desired by people I guess. Even I, myself are like this. Kind of sad case here.
I just want a simple and happy life. Even this is simple, short and sweet I guess. But aren't this still desires?
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 10:13 PM .
_ Monday, November 17, 2008 ;
Time to think what is the meaning to live on. Suddenly feel really depressed. Nothing really happen although but just feel that nothing in life is pushing me to live my life to the fullest. There are only 2 things in my life that holds me down. First, my family. Second, my friends. They are the pillars of my life. Without them I would not have joy and a little sense of happiness. But are those 2 the only things I can rely on to bring me happiness and joy? I have been wondering for a long time.
Previously there was more than those 2 things I have said above that keeps me on in this world. In the past, tasting the sweetness of romance and love was one of my plan. But now, I don't even feel like having one. Too much things I have seen and heard from my friends that are going through. Kind of getting really tired in life. No motivation at all. I live in this world just to study and work. I think this is the life everyone of us are going through, will go through and must go through.
I came to earth on August 9 1990. This is the day my mother gave birth to me. My parents raise me up and sooner or later its my turn to repay them. They are not a burden to me. They are my love ones. But is this the only thing I am suppose to do in my whole entire life? I have a lot of friends I admit. Treating them well, spend ample time with them. Is this how I going to live on? Its true they bring me joy that brighten up my 18 years of life. I enjoyed too. But is this what my motive in life?
Sometimes I felt that living in this competitive world is just like solving problems we are causing. But people called them invention or saving the earth. Are we? I feel that we are just creating problems that harms the environment. People are just solving and curing the problems that we, ourselves caused and not doing something to help.
We worked so hard for life, for our living. But how many years can we live happily and enjoy the fortune we make? When we meet death, does the fortune we make meet death with us? Does all the things we have comes and goes with us? NO! They don't. So why do I need to work so hard for? If it isn't for our greediness, competitiveness and desires do we need do work our life out? If it isn't because of our desire do we need to be so stress over things?
Its really pointless to live in this world. The loyalty, determination, perseverance, pureness that everyone use to have are gone due to the changing world. We are indirectly forced to face this reality and grow up overnight. Learning the facts of the cruel world. Facing sadness and sorrows, we are train to build trust from 0% not 100%, we are train not to trust anyone, we are train to turn back on others, we are train to make the world rich and competitive and make ourselves poor. Poor in the sense of character.
Question:
What are we left in the end? What are we left?
Answer:
We left something. Yes, something. We left a empty shell in the world for people that really loves us or know us to remember. Without a heart and soul we are nothing. No emotions, no feelings, expressionless, nothing at all.
Previously there was more than those 2 things I have said above that keeps me on in this world. In the past, tasting the sweetness of romance and love was one of my plan. But now, I don't even feel like having one. Too much things I have seen and heard from my friends that are going through. Kind of getting really tired in life. No motivation at all. I live in this world just to study and work. I think this is the life everyone of us are going through, will go through and must go through.
I came to earth on August 9 1990. This is the day my mother gave birth to me. My parents raise me up and sooner or later its my turn to repay them. They are not a burden to me. They are my love ones. But is this the only thing I am suppose to do in my whole entire life? I have a lot of friends I admit. Treating them well, spend ample time with them. Is this how I going to live on? Its true they bring me joy that brighten up my 18 years of life. I enjoyed too. But is this what my motive in life?
Sometimes I felt that living in this competitive world is just like solving problems we are causing. But people called them invention or saving the earth. Are we? I feel that we are just creating problems that harms the environment. People are just solving and curing the problems that we, ourselves caused and not doing something to help.
We worked so hard for life, for our living. But how many years can we live happily and enjoy the fortune we make? When we meet death, does the fortune we make meet death with us? Does all the things we have comes and goes with us? NO! They don't. So why do I need to work so hard for? If it isn't for our greediness, competitiveness and desires do we need do work our life out? If it isn't because of our desire do we need to be so stress over things?
Its really pointless to live in this world. The loyalty, determination, perseverance, pureness that everyone use to have are gone due to the changing world. We are indirectly forced to face this reality and grow up overnight. Learning the facts of the cruel world. Facing sadness and sorrows, we are train to build trust from 0% not 100%, we are train not to trust anyone, we are train to turn back on others, we are train to make the world rich and competitive and make ourselves poor. Poor in the sense of character.
Question:
What are we left in the end? What are we left?
Answer:
We left something. Yes, something. We left a empty shell in the world for people that really loves us or know us to remember. Without a heart and soul we are nothing. No emotions, no feelings, expressionless, nothing at all.
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 7:32 PM .