_ Tuesday, March 31, 2009 ;
It such a failure in life that I lost a close friend that always stands by me. Its seems that in the end everything still end in a way that I hated most and the ending that I don't want it to happen. Every time at the thought of making things better by talking to that person, there will always be a force that pulls me back, restraining me from doing it. Why? What is the thing that is pulling me? I don't know. I detest this kind of unsure feelings. It only make me feel down to the maximum. Maintaining a friendship is like maintaining a relationship. It will even need more care, concern and love being given to keep healthy, happy and stable. But it seems that my friendship if I don't put in more effort, it will turn fragile instantly. Am I too sensitive or is it true? I can't see clearly anymore. So blinded. Blinded by uncertainties. I am being buried down by heavy thinking and guessing. Tired of all the explanations and agony. Its all a endless nightmare that drains me mentally and emotionally.
I have 2 failures in life. I can't handle friends well as mention above and I can't handle relationship. I have faith that I can do everything well but when it comes to these two things I guess I have to surrender. *Raise white flags* I seldom gave things up that easily and being so negative. Confused totally. Nothing seems to be a good advice to me. I want to be a strong and reliable girl to everyone that they can trust and confess their vexing stuffs to me. I think I am getting old to handle all these now. Old in the mind. Old in the mental state. Old in the emotion. How long do I need to regenerate new brain cells to process all. Is changing my personality a good head start? Shouldn't be that soft at the first place that's my weakness. I think everyone knows that and I think I am the last to notice. *Boos* Don't even know myself well until others notice and tell me and the worse case, my friends tell me and I still don't agree until now. Acting is my favourite tool of covering up my everything. Living with a fake smile. Just act as it doesn't hurts a bit or acts like I don't even care. Yeah! That's me.
I have 2 failures in life. I can't handle friends well as mention above and I can't handle relationship. I have faith that I can do everything well but when it comes to these two things I guess I have to surrender. *Raise white flags* I seldom gave things up that easily and being so negative. Confused totally. Nothing seems to be a good advice to me. I want to be a strong and reliable girl to everyone that they can trust and confess their vexing stuffs to me. I think I am getting old to handle all these now. Old in the mind. Old in the mental state. Old in the emotion. How long do I need to regenerate new brain cells to process all. Is changing my personality a good head start? Shouldn't be that soft at the first place that's my weakness. I think everyone knows that and I think I am the last to notice. *Boos* Don't even know myself well until others notice and tell me and the worse case, my friends tell me and I still don't agree until now. Acting is my favourite tool of covering up my everything. Living with a fake smile. Just act as it doesn't hurts a bit or acts like I don't even care. Yeah! That's me.
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 12:36 AM .
_ Monday, March 23, 2009 ;
This will be one of the confusing day in my life. Its time to move on from the past to present. Things just happen suddenly. The thing that I hope and pray have happened. But now I wonder, what will be the ending. Good and happy ending or sad and lost ending. Of course no one will pray for the negative side to happen, it serves the same to me.
I have lost confidence in this thing and I found in hard to believe that it finally happen to me. I am so caught unprepared, so lost. I can't face up this dream, the past still hurts me. What am I suppose to do? I can't wait for the answer to release but at the same time, I can't face the fact if the negative side came true. I even though of running away so I won't know the answer and I don't need to face the aftermath of it. I am such an ostrich, isn't it? People may laugh at me, this big sister is useless, can't face such a small thing but I am really afraid, very afraid. It seems that any solution in my mind cant work it out and fit it well. Its my second time facing this kind of failure in my life. Even if the answer is just right in front of me but I can't stretch my hands up to reach for it or should I say I can't even see it. What will happen to me? Will this thing end just like that? Will it be just a dream? Or will it be a happy ending? Its still a question.
二舅，您再看着我吗？请您帮帮我吧！希望一切不是梦。我还是不要抱着任何希望的好。
I have lost confidence in this thing and I found in hard to believe that it finally happen to me. I am so caught unprepared, so lost. I can't face up this dream, the past still hurts me. What am I suppose to do? I can't wait for the answer to release but at the same time, I can't face the fact if the negative side came true. I even though of running away so I won't know the answer and I don't need to face the aftermath of it. I am such an ostrich, isn't it? People may laugh at me, this big sister is useless, can't face such a small thing but I am really afraid, very afraid. It seems that any solution in my mind cant work it out and fit it well. Its my second time facing this kind of failure in my life. Even if the answer is just right in front of me but I can't stretch my hands up to reach for it or should I say I can't even see it. What will happen to me? Will this thing end just like that? Will it be just a dream? Or will it be a happy ending? Its still a question.
二舅，您再看着我吗？请您帮帮我吧！希望一切不是梦。我还是不要抱着任何希望的好。
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 10:23 PM .
_ Monday, March 16, 2009 ;
Its been a long time since I last blog. Hahas. So reluctant to blog. Too lazy. its been the 3rd week of my attachment. Other slack, I can't find any other words to describe the days there. I slept in the lab almost everyday for at least 1 and a half hours. Hahas. When can I get out of this boring life. Getting bored everyday. But consider myself lucky. I am not alone, at least there are 5 friends with me. At first I kind of don't like 2 person there before my attachment but after 2 weeks of knowing each other, I change my view towards them. This really proves to me that first impression is not everything. I always thought first impression is important and always accurate but until now I then realise is wrong. Hope that it is not too late to found out now.
Watch a movie on Saturday with Karen and friends. Guess what's the movie's name.. Hahas. Stop the guessing game. Its, the Thai horror movie. It was consider good to me. Scary from the start till the end. I learn something at the end of the movie shown. Never ever sit beside Karen and Jeanette when watching horror shows. Firstly Jeanette will scare you when you were already afraid. Examples: Tapping your arm, call your name and etc... As for Karen, she got scare by one of the scenes and went out of control and its not the first time. Examples: Grab your arm, hit you hard on your arms, pull you from one side to the other and etc... And oh! I almost forget. Laughing after screaming was one of the "in" thing when watching horror movie. Who says so?? Don't be too curious. Its just Karen and I who invented this trend. People out there can try this stunt. Hahas. You will enjoy the ultimate sensation. Oops. Sounds a bit wrong huh. Although its scary for that movie but its still fun to have your close friends around you to watch this movie, cause you will get to see their fear. But don't go over limit okay? Don't say Ruyi never remind all of you. Feel like watching another show, anyone interested to watch with me? I am more than willing to watch with anyone if you are not afraid of bites. Hahas. Just joking. I am not so fierce.
I am avoiding nowadays. Kind of don't feel like meeting the person. Even seeing he/she 's face will make me irritated. After the chalet, I am totally disappointed with that person. When will he/she think of others' feelings and thoughts before him/her self? That person still may not know where the fault lies. But I had enough. Enough of all the nonsense. Its been 2 years since we last argue over things. I am sick of tired of arguing the same things over and over again with you. Because you never did listen to us. Never did think likewise about how we will feel. Never did stand in our views and think. And lastly never did really appreciate us before. This is how I feel, others may feel that its not true. But thats how strongly I think of you. I did try to change you but have no avail to that. So I change myself to suit you but in the end. It brings more disaster to me. Because you grow more and more out of control and overbearing. Using attachment to run away from the responsible I should bear and overcome. Too tired, too disappointed to do resolve this things. Just feel like running to a safe and quiet place without you to chill out and rest. I know this must end, sooner or later. Actually the faster the better. But I know, now I am not in the state to change any of the facts. Just wait till after my attachment, after I get my break and rest enough from the sight of you I will try to amends the things between all of us.
Watch a movie on Saturday with Karen and friends. Guess what's the movie's name.. Hahas. Stop the guessing game. Its
I am avoiding nowadays. Kind of don't feel like meeting the person. Even seeing he/she 's face will make me irritated. After the chalet, I am totally disappointed with that person. When will he/she think of others' feelings and thoughts before him/her self? That person still may not know where the fault lies. But I had enough. Enough of all the nonsense. Its been 2 years since we last argue over things. I am sick of tired of arguing the same things over and over again with you. Because you never did listen to us. Never did think likewise about how we will feel. Never did stand in our views and think. And lastly never did really appreciate us before. This is how I feel, others may feel that its not true. But thats how strongly I think of you. I did try to change you but have no avail to that. So I change myself to suit you but in the end. It brings more disaster to me. Because you grow more and more out of control and overbearing. Using attachment to run away from the responsible I should bear and overcome. Too tired, too disappointed to do resolve this things. Just feel like running to a safe and quiet place without you to chill out and rest. I know this must end, sooner or later. Actually the faster the better. But I know, now I am not in the state to change any of the facts. Just wait till after my attachment, after I get my break and rest enough from the sight of you I will try to amends the things between all of us.
``With Love ; Ruyi *
..:: left at 11:10 PM .