Yup! I came back here to put down all my feelings down again. Well, it may seems that I have abandon this place for a pretty long time. This place is always kept with me because when I am sad, blankness in mind, searching for an answer or find it hard to approach anyone, this will always be a wonderful rubbish chute to dump all the bad things in.

Its not that I can't find anyone to talk to, but it seems that the answers given are all unconfirmed or simply there are no answers at all. I don't like to express the true feelings to everyone that is with me, I admit I tend to pick different person to say about different things and the situation during that period of time.

I thinking change a lot for these few months, getting quieter but inner self change to a person sometimes those who are not too close to me won't know or found the changes. I know there are friends that are close to me can't take the sudden changes. They find me ridiculous and outrageous. From the surface, I may look so heck care but deep down in my heart I am not. Its not that I heck care after that thing happen to me but I am finding a way to bury my sadness and pain all away. I am using the wrong way, I found myself that I can't turn back and stop. To some, they will feel these are all excuses to pull myself from all the blames but I have nowhere, no one to comfort me and settle me down. These are not changes friends want to see in me but since its done, its done. I won't look back, turn back, or even put an end to all the things I have done and change.

After so long after the first incident that changes me, I thought no one can open that locked door after a series of pain. But yet I have found that someone that I want to depend on, lean on and shoulder on. But its seems the person I found will never be mine. I step a step closer to him but he move back one step further away from me. When I move backwards, he came so close, so close till I can't lose him. What am I to him? Just a girl that when he want to see me he call me and I have to be there and if he don't need me? Its seems so idiotic. Maybe things happen this way because I didn't tel him how I feel about him, but will he feel the way as I do? He didn't give me such a feeling. Instead I felt like a replacement to all his ex-girlfriends. I fell for the trap that I told myself I should never ever fall in again. I just fell in even though I notice it. Haaas! Its seems I didn't learn my lesson hard enough. Why should I pity and feel sad for him in the first place, letting him into my locked door? Regretted!

Can someone locked up the door again? I will learn the lesson not to open up due to unforeseen pity-ness and fell into the trap again!