I have been trying to train my stamina these 2 weeks. And I finally can jog 5 rounds around circle green without stopping and I won't go out of breath. I am really happy. I am trying to use this way to lose weight and to train for my upcoming NAFA. I think my body is made up of plastics. Can't lose weight now. Tomorrow will be jogging again. I hope can conquer the 6th round. My speed still slow but my stamina is there, I believe.

Still searching for my motivation in life. To push me to the limit, to excel in my life. Time goes by fast and I felt that I just live the days by doing nothing. Till now, only a few of my friends know that I came back to blog after a long time. I decided to let the others slowly find out that I came back blogging.

Been thinking a lot this week. I am a very fortunate girl. My family consider near perfect, friendship consider perfect. Nothing in my life for the present has been bad. Maybe there are some things that worries me but its nothing really serious. But now, I just felt the emptiness in my heart. Like a person without a soul. After jogging for these 2 weeks, I found out that when I jog these days, I show no expression. Just like a empty shell jogging.

In the past, I fear death. Now, death to me is just nothing. I am just worried that if i really meet death one day, the only thing I can't let go will be my beloved family and friends. To me, their are my responsible to take care of them, to give them concern, to provide them with love and entertainment. The only left in this world that I haven't fulfill is filial piety. I am still a student, I don't have work that can support my parents, give them a good life. They should enjoy life by now if it wasn't me. My second sister and mother is working to provide for the family. Because of me, I am the youngest in my family, my mother has to continue working until i graduate and when i step into the working society. When I see other parents, I felt so guilty. Others parents at my parents age are now at home taking care of their grandchildren. When they have time, they can go to the nearest park for Taichi to keep them healthy. Their children give them money to go overseas to enjoy and take a good look of other countries culture. But what about my parents, fighting hard to maintain in their job, in the meanwhile they have to take care of their health.

I felt so useless. Only knows how to spend their money. Well, others may think that finding a job is an alternative but now, in this kind of economy, who will want to employ a student to work part time. My time after i started in poly no longer flexible or even stable. But what can I do?

Every time I see my mother suffer in pain due to her health, my heart seems to have thousand of knives slicing it. But I said nothing at all to her. I am not that kind that is good at expressing my feelings to my love ones. It hurts deep down but how can I show it out? I have kick the habit of showing my weakness to others for a long time. And I am used to this kind of method. Burying all deep down. Too many knots in my heart ignored, when time passes it started to tie on. From a small and tiny knot to a pile of strings totally messed up.

I found out that when things starts to bother you, it comes not only in ones but in piles. When things starts to bother you, death seems nothing to be afraid of. Death seems so tempting. This is a mind of an human when things go out of control.

But just some things are just not meant to be touched. Let it remain this way. Let those untouched be ignored. Let death be so tempting now...