It such a failure in life that I lost a close friend that always stands by me. Its seems that in the end everything still end in a way that I hated most and the ending that I don't want it to happen. Every time at the thought of making things better by talking to that person, there will always be a force that pulls me back, restraining me from doing it. Why? What is the thing that is pulling me? I don't know. I detest this kind of unsure feelings. It only make me feel down to the maximum. Maintaining a friendship is like maintaining a relationship. It will even need more care, concern and love being given to keep healthy, happy and stable. But it seems that my friendship if I don't put in more effort, it will turn fragile instantly. Am I too sensitive or is it true? I can't see clearly anymore. So blinded. Blinded by uncertainties. I am being buried down by heavy thinking and guessing. Tired of all the explanations and agony. Its all a endless nightmare that drains me mentally and emotionally.

I have 2 failures in life. I can't handle friends well as mention above and I can't handle relationship. I have faith that I can do everything well but when it comes to these two things I guess I have to surrender. *Raise white flags* I seldom gave things up that easily and being so negative. Confused totally. Nothing seems to be a good advice to me. I want to be a strong and reliable girl to everyone that they can trust and confess their vexing stuffs to me. I think I am getting old to handle all these now. Old in the mind. Old in the mental state. Old in the emotion. How long do I need to regenerate new brain cells to process all. Is changing my personality a good head start? Shouldn't be that soft at the first place that's my weakness. I think everyone knows that and I think I am the last to notice. *Boos* Don't even know myself well until others notice and tell me and the worse case, my friends tell me and I still don't agree until now. Acting is my favourite tool of covering up my everything. Living with a fake smile. Just act as it doesn't hurts a bit or acts like I don't even care. Yeah! That's me.