_ Friday, February 26, 2010 ;
After looking back my past, its been so many years of being an angel. Finally, I shed this outer skin of angel to a fallen one.
Sometimes, its really a lesson learn not only for me but for people around me. I think its time I quit being the person that people thinks about me for absolute tolerance, absolute kindness and absolute friendliness.
This is a friendship I adored for years but now I ended it in my own hands, let it return back to zero, its original position. Just treat it as a betrayal, a betrayal from someone you trust and you treat it as part of your family. Let the person I depend on and trust to take care of the party can do my 200% of my job or even better. Even though I don't want it to happen this way but it seems I led it to this ending. Maybe I should say just being selfish to end my misery it the fastest and the crudest way I have ever done. I don't know whether I will get other into trouble or pull the other into this, I pray and hope that it didn't.
This wound that is created will or might not heal but I pray someone better will appear to you and bring you greater happiness and better memories that I brought to you. May you forget what hurt I have brought, accept others like how you accept me before. Don't let what I have done and said hold you down. Life has to carry on. The world won't stop spinning for you when you are despair. There are so many unpredictable things going to happen in your life. Don't give up when something bad happens or things don't go in your way. Blessing will be always given by me in everything you going to do.
The last words I might see from you, "Adios Honey".
Adios Besty. A family I never forget. (:
Sometimes, its really a lesson learn not only for me but for people around me. I think its time I quit being the person that people thinks about me for absolute tolerance, absolute kindness and absolute friendliness.
This is a friendship I adored for years but now I ended it in my own hands, let it return back to zero, its original position. Just treat it as a betrayal, a betrayal from someone you trust and you treat it as part of your family. Let the person I depend on and trust to take care of the party can do my 200% of my job or even better. Even though I don't want it to happen this way but it seems I led it to this ending. Maybe I should say just being selfish to end my misery it the fastest and the crudest way I have ever done. I don't know whether I will get other into trouble or pull the other into this, I pray and hope that it didn't.
This wound that is created will or might not heal but I pray someone better will appear to you and bring you greater happiness and better memories that I brought to you. May you forget what hurt I have brought, accept others like how you accept me before. Don't let what I have done and said hold you down. Life has to carry on. The world won't stop spinning for you when you are despair. There are so many unpredictable things going to happen in your life. Don't give up when something bad happens or things don't go in your way. Blessing will be always given by me in everything you going to do.
The last words I might see from you, "Adios Honey".
Adios Besty. A family I never forget. (:
..:: left at 3:40 PM .
_ Tuesday, September 22, 2009 ;
Yup! I came back here to put down all my feelings down again. Well, it may seems that I have abandon this place for a pretty long time. This place is always kept with me because when I am sad, blankness in mind, searching for an answer or find it hard to approach anyone, this will always be a wonderful rubbish chute to dump all the bad things in.
Its not that I can't find anyone to talk to, but it seems that the answers given are all unconfirmed or simply there are no answers at all. I don't like to express the true feelings to everyone that is with me, I admit I tend to pick different person to say about different things and the situation during that period of time.
I thinking change a lot for these few months, getting quieter but inner self change to a person sometimes those who are not too close to me won't know or found the changes. I know there are friends that are close to me can't take the sudden changes. They find me ridiculous and outrageous. From the surface, I may look so heck care but deep down in my heart I am not. Its not that I heck care after that thing happen to me but I am finding a way to bury my sadness and pain all away. I am using the wrong way, I found myself that I can't turn back and stop. To some, they will feel these are all excuses to pull myself from all the blames but I have nowhere, no one to comfort me and settle me down. These are not changes friends want to see in me but since its done, its done. I won't look back, turn back, or even put an end to all the things I have done and change.
After so long after the first incident that changes me, I thought no one can open that locked door after a series of pain. But yet I have found that someone that I want to depend on, lean on and shoulder on. But its seems the person I found will never be mine. I step a step closer to him but he move back one step further away from me. When I move backwards, he came so close, so close till I can't lose him. What am I to him? Just a girl that when he want to see me he call me and I have to be there and if he don't need me? Its seems so idiotic. Maybe things happen this way because I didn't tel him how I feel about him, but will he feel the way as I do? He didn't give me such a feeling. Instead I felt like a replacement to all his ex-girlfriends. I fell for the trap that I told myself I should never ever fall in again. I just fell in even though I notice it. Haaas! Its seems I didn't learn my lesson hard enough. Why should I pity and feel sad for him in the first place, letting him into my locked door? Regretted!
Can someone locked up the door again? I will learn the lesson not to open up due to unforeseen pity-ness and fell into the trap again!
Its not that I can't find anyone to talk to, but it seems that the answers given are all unconfirmed or simply there are no answers at all. I don't like to express the true feelings to everyone that is with me, I admit I tend to pick different person to say about different things and the situation during that period of time.
I thinking change a lot for these few months, getting quieter but inner self change to a person sometimes those who are not too close to me won't know or found the changes. I know there are friends that are close to me can't take the sudden changes. They find me ridiculous and outrageous. From the surface, I may look so heck care but deep down in my heart I am not. Its not that I heck care after that thing happen to me but I am finding a way to bury my sadness and pain all away. I am using the wrong way, I found myself that I can't turn back and stop. To some, they will feel these are all excuses to pull myself from all the blames but I have nowhere, no one to comfort me and settle me down. These are not changes friends want to see in me but since its done, its done. I won't look back, turn back, or even put an end to all the things I have done and change.
After so long after the first incident that changes me, I thought no one can open that locked door after a series of pain. But yet I have found that someone that I want to depend on, lean on and shoulder on. But its seems the person I found will never be mine. I step a step closer to him but he move back one step further away from me. When I move backwards, he came so close, so close till I can't lose him. What am I to him? Just a girl that when he want to see me he call me and I have to be there and if he don't need me? Its seems so idiotic. Maybe things happen this way because I didn't tel him how I feel about him, but will he feel the way as I do? He didn't give me such a feeling. Instead I felt like a replacement to all his ex-girlfriends. I fell for the trap that I told myself I should never ever fall in again. I just fell in even though I notice it. Haaas! Its seems I didn't learn my lesson hard enough. Why should I pity and feel sad for him in the first place, letting him into my locked door? Regretted!
Can someone locked up the door again? I will learn the lesson not to open up due to unforeseen pity-ness and fell into the trap again!
..:: left at 2:16 AM .
_ Saturday, April 25, 2009 ;
Its the worst thing that happen in my life... I guess. I really can't do my favourite things for at least half a year? I am so sad.
Basketball is my favourite hobby, its not whether I played it well or not. Its I enjoy the happiness in playing it. Its a time when I can de-stress, when there is no sex difference and plainly just enjoy the fun with my friends. Its a game when I can totally forget about everything. But now, even this simple thing I can't seems to do. What should I do? Getting emotional now isn't what I want to do. I can't run, I can't jump.
MY BACK IS KILLING ME!! I can't believe that my spine can give me such a huge trouble. I am feeling so useless here. I can't do simple stuffs like helping my mother to hang the clothings. I can't even enjoy the simplest thing now. I can't stand straight, sit comfortably, squatting down is a problem, bending kills me, even lying down is not a fortune anymore. Arrgh! When can I recover? I want my life back~!
What else is left for me to enjoy when sleeping is even causing me misery. I really want to do things that i wanted to do. God will u help me? ):
Basketball is my favourite hobby, its not whether I played it well or not. Its I enjoy the happiness in playing it. Its a time when I can de-stress, when there is no sex difference and plainly just enjoy the fun with my friends. Its a game when I can totally forget about everything. But now, even this simple thing I can't seems to do. What should I do? Getting emotional now isn't what I want to do. I can't run, I can't jump.
MY BACK IS KILLING ME!! I can't believe that my spine can give me such a huge trouble. I am feeling so useless here. I can't do simple stuffs like helping my mother to hang the clothings. I can't even enjoy the simplest thing now. I can't stand straight, sit comfortably, squatting down is a problem, bending kills me, even lying down is not a fortune anymore. Arrgh! When can I recover? I want my life back~!
What else is left for me to enjoy when sleeping is even causing me misery. I really want to do things that i wanted to do. God will u help me? ):
..:: left at 1:25 AM .
_ Tuesday, March 31, 2009 ;
It such a failure in life that I lost a close friend that always stands by me. Its seems that in the end everything still end in a way that I hated most and the ending that I don't want it to happen. Every time at the thought of making things better by talking to that person, there will always be a force that pulls me back, restraining me from doing it. Why? What is the thing that is pulling me? I don't know. I detest this kind of unsure feelings. It only make me feel down to the maximum. Maintaining a friendship is like maintaining a relationship. It will even need more care, concern and love being given to keep healthy, happy and stable. But it seems that my friendship if I don't put in more effort, it will turn fragile instantly. Am I too sensitive or is it true? I can't see clearly anymore. So blinded. Blinded by uncertainties. I am being buried down by heavy thinking and guessing. Tired of all the explanations and agony. Its all a endless nightmare that drains me mentally and emotionally.
I have 2 failures in life. I can't handle friends well as mention above and I can't handle relationship. I have faith that I can do everything well but when it comes to these two things I guess I have to surrender. *Raise white flags* I seldom gave things up that easily and being so negative. Confused totally. Nothing seems to be a good advice to me. I want to be a strong and reliable girl to everyone that they can trust and confess their vexing stuffs to me. I think I am getting old to handle all these now. Old in the mind. Old in the mental state. Old in the emotion. How long do I need to regenerate new brain cells to process all. Is changing my personality a good head start? Shouldn't be that soft at the first place that's my weakness. I think everyone knows that and I think I am the last to notice. *Boos* Don't even know myself well until others notice and tell me and the worse case, my friends tell me and I still don't agree until now. Acting is my favourite tool of covering up my everything. Living with a fake smile. Just act as it doesn't hurts a bit or acts like I don't even care. Yeah! That's me.
I have 2 failures in life. I can't handle friends well as mention above and I can't handle relationship. I have faith that I can do everything well but when it comes to these two things I guess I have to surrender. *Raise white flags* I seldom gave things up that easily and being so negative. Confused totally. Nothing seems to be a good advice to me. I want to be a strong and reliable girl to everyone that they can trust and confess their vexing stuffs to me. I think I am getting old to handle all these now. Old in the mind. Old in the mental state. Old in the emotion. How long do I need to regenerate new brain cells to process all. Is changing my personality a good head start? Shouldn't be that soft at the first place that's my weakness. I think everyone knows that and I think I am the last to notice. *Boos* Don't even know myself well until others notice and tell me and the worse case, my friends tell me and I still don't agree until now. Acting is my favourite tool of covering up my everything. Living with a fake smile. Just act as it doesn't hurts a bit or acts like I don't even care. Yeah! That's me.
..:: left at 12:36 AM .
_ Monday, March 23, 2009 ;
This will be one of the confusing day in my life. Its time to move on from the past to present. Things just happen suddenly. The thing that I hope and pray have happened. But now I wonder, what will be the ending. Good and happy ending or sad and lost ending. Of course no one will pray for the negative side to happen, it serves the same to me.
I have lost confidence in this thing and I found in hard to believe that it finally happen to me. I am so caught unprepared, so lost. I can't face up this dream, the past still hurts me. What am I suppose to do? I can't wait for the answer to release but at the same time, I can't face the fact if the negative side came true. I even though of running away so I won't know the answer and I don't need to face the aftermath of it. I am such an ostrich, isn't it? People may laugh at me, this big sister is useless, can't face such a small thing but I am really afraid, very afraid. It seems that any solution in my mind cant work it out and fit it well. Its my second time facing this kind of failure in my life. Even if the answer is just right in front of me but I can't stretch my hands up to reach for it or should I say I can't even see it. What will happen to me? Will this thing end just like that? Will it be just a dream? Or will it be a happy ending? Its still a question.
二舅，您再看着我吗？请您帮帮我吧！希望一切不是梦。我还是不要抱着任何希望的好。
I have lost confidence in this thing and I found in hard to believe that it finally happen to me. I am so caught unprepared, so lost. I can't face up this dream, the past still hurts me. What am I suppose to do? I can't wait for the answer to release but at the same time, I can't face the fact if the negative side came true. I even though of running away so I won't know the answer and I don't need to face the aftermath of it. I am such an ostrich, isn't it? People may laugh at me, this big sister is useless, can't face such a small thing but I am really afraid, very afraid. It seems that any solution in my mind cant work it out and fit it well. Its my second time facing this kind of failure in my life. Even if the answer is just right in front of me but I can't stretch my hands up to reach for it or should I say I can't even see it. What will happen to me? Will this thing end just like that? Will it be just a dream? Or will it be a happy ending? Its still a question.
二舅，您再看着我吗？请您帮帮我吧！希望一切不是梦。我还是不要抱着任何希望的好。
..:: left at 10:23 PM .
_ Monday, March 16, 2009 ;
Its been a long time since I last blog. Hahas. So reluctant to blog. Too lazy. its been the 3rd week of my attachment. Other slack, I can't find any other words to describe the days there. I slept in the lab almost everyday for at least 1 and a half hours. Hahas. When can I get out of this boring life. Getting bored everyday. But consider myself lucky. I am not alone, at least there are 5 friends with me. At first I kind of don't like 2 person there before my attachment but after 2 weeks of knowing each other, I change my view towards them. This really proves to me that first impression is not everything. I always thought first impression is important and always accurate but until now I then realise is wrong. Hope that it is not too late to found out now.
Watch a movie on Saturday with Karen and friends. Guess what's the movie's name.. Hahas. Stop the guessing game. Its, the Thai horror movie. It was consider good to me. Scary from the start till the end. I learn something at the end of the movie shown. Never ever sit beside Karen and Jeanette when watching horror shows. Firstly Jeanette will scare you when you were already afraid. Examples: Tapping your arm, call your name and etc... As for Karen, she got scare by one of the scenes and went out of control and its not the first time. Examples: Grab your arm, hit you hard on your arms, pull you from one side to the other and etc... And oh! I almost forget. Laughing after screaming was one of the "in" thing when watching horror movie. Who says so?? Don't be too curious. Its just Karen and I who invented this trend. People out there can try this stunt. Hahas. You will enjoy the ultimate sensation. Oops. Sounds a bit wrong huh. Although its scary for that movie but its still fun to have your close friends around you to watch this movie, cause you will get to see their fear. But don't go over limit okay? Don't say Ruyi never remind all of you. Feel like watching another show, anyone interested to watch with me? I am more than willing to watch with anyone if you are not afraid of bites. Hahas. Just joking. I am not so fierce.
I am avoiding nowadays. Kind of don't feel like meeting the person. Even seeing he/she 's face will make me irritated. After the chalet, I am totally disappointed with that person. When will he/she think of others' feelings and thoughts before him/her self? That person still may not know where the fault lies. But I had enough. Enough of all the nonsense. Its been 2 years since we last argue over things. I am sick of tired of arguing the same things over and over again with you. Because you never did listen to us. Never did think likewise about how we will feel. Never did stand in our views and think. And lastly never did really appreciate us before. This is how I feel, others may feel that its not true. But thats how strongly I think of you. I did try to change you but have no avail to that. So I change myself to suit you but in the end. It brings more disaster to me. Because you grow more and more out of control and overbearing. Using attachment to run away from the responsible I should bear and overcome. Too tired, too disappointed to do resolve this things. Just feel like running to a safe and quiet place without you to chill out and rest. I know this must end, sooner or later. Actually the faster the better. But I know, now I am not in the state to change any of the facts. Just wait till after my attachment, after I get my break and rest enough from the sight of you I will try to amends the things between all of us.
Watch a movie on Saturday with Karen and friends. Guess what's the movie's name.. Hahas. Stop the guessing game. Its
I am avoiding nowadays. Kind of don't feel like meeting the person. Even seeing he/she 's face will make me irritated. After the chalet, I am totally disappointed with that person. When will he/she think of others' feelings and thoughts before him/her self? That person still may not know where the fault lies. But I had enough. Enough of all the nonsense. Its been 2 years since we last argue over things. I am sick of tired of arguing the same things over and over again with you. Because you never did listen to us. Never did think likewise about how we will feel. Never did stand in our views and think. And lastly never did really appreciate us before. This is how I feel, others may feel that its not true. But thats how strongly I think of you. I did try to change you but have no avail to that. So I change myself to suit you but in the end. It brings more disaster to me. Because you grow more and more out of control and overbearing. Using attachment to run away from the responsible I should bear and overcome. Too tired, too disappointed to do resolve this things. Just feel like running to a safe and quiet place without you to chill out and rest. I know this must end, sooner or later. Actually the faster the better. But I know, now I am not in the state to change any of the facts. Just wait till after my attachment, after I get my break and rest enough from the sight of you I will try to amends the things between all of us.
..:: left at 11:10 PM .
_ Friday, November 21, 2008 ;
I have been trying to train my stamina these 2 weeks. And I finally can jog 5 rounds around circle green without stopping and I won't go out of breath. I am really happy. I am trying to use this way to lose weight and to train for my upcoming NAFA. I think my body is made up of plastics. Can't lose weight now. Tomorrow will be jogging again. I hope can conquer the 6th round. My speed still slow but my stamina is there, I believe.
Still searching for my motivation in life. To push me to the limit, to excel in my life. Time goes by fast and I felt that I just live the days by doing nothing. Till now, only a few of my friends know that I came back to blog after a long time. I decided to let the others slowly find out that I came back blogging.
Been thinking a lot this week. I am a very fortunate girl. My family consider near perfect, friendship consider perfect. Nothing in my life for the present has been bad. Maybe there are some things that worries me but its nothing really serious. But now, I just felt the emptiness in my heart. Like a person without a soul. After jogging for these 2 weeks, I found out that when I jog these days, I show no expression. Just like a empty shell jogging.
In the past, I fear death. Now, death to me is just nothing. I am just worried that if i really meet death one day, the only thing I can't let go will be my beloved family and friends. To me, their are my responsible to take care of them, to give them concern, to provide them with love and entertainment. The only left in this world that I haven't fulfill is filial piety. I am still a student, I don't have work that can support my parents, give them a good life. They should enjoy life by now if it wasn't me. My second sister and mother is working to provide for the family. Because of me, I am the youngest in my family, my mother has to continue working until i graduate and when i step into the working society. When I see other parents, I felt so guilty. Others parents at my parents age are now at home taking care of their grandchildren. When they have time, they can go to the nearest park for Taichi to keep them healthy. Their children give them money to go overseas to enjoy and take a good look of other countries culture. But what about my parents, fighting hard to maintain in their job, in the meanwhile they have to take care of their health.
I felt so useless. Only knows how to spend their money. Well, others may think that finding a job is an alternative but now, in this kind of economy, who will want to employ a student to work part time. My time after i started in poly no longer flexible or even stable. But what can I do?
Every time I see my mother suffer in pain due to her health, my heart seems to have thousand of knives slicing it. But I said nothing at all to her. I am not that kind that is good at expressing my feelings to my love ones. It hurts deep down but how can I show it out? I have kick the habit of showing my weakness to others for a long time. And I am used to this kind of method. Burying all deep down. Too many knots in my heart ignored, when time passes it started to tie on. From a small and tiny knot to a pile of strings totally messed up.
I found out that when things starts to bother you, it comes not only in ones but in piles. When things starts to bother you, death seems nothing to be afraid of. Death seems so tempting. This is a mind of an human when things go out of control.
But just some things are just not meant to be touched. Let it remain this way. Let those untouched be ignored. Let death be so tempting now...
Still searching for my motivation in life. To push me to the limit, to excel in my life. Time goes by fast and I felt that I just live the days by doing nothing. Till now, only a few of my friends know that I came back to blog after a long time. I decided to let the others slowly find out that I came back blogging.
Been thinking a lot this week. I am a very fortunate girl. My family consider near perfect, friendship consider perfect. Nothing in my life for the present has been bad. Maybe there are some things that worries me but its nothing really serious. But now, I just felt the emptiness in my heart. Like a person without a soul. After jogging for these 2 weeks, I found out that when I jog these days, I show no expression. Just like a empty shell jogging.
In the past, I fear death. Now, death to me is just nothing. I am just worried that if i really meet death one day, the only thing I can't let go will be my beloved family and friends. To me, their are my responsible to take care of them, to give them concern, to provide them with love and entertainment. The only left in this world that I haven't fulfill is filial piety. I am still a student, I don't have work that can support my parents, give them a good life. They should enjoy life by now if it wasn't me. My second sister and mother is working to provide for the family. Because of me, I am the youngest in my family, my mother has to continue working until i graduate and when i step into the working society. When I see other parents, I felt so guilty. Others parents at my parents age are now at home taking care of their grandchildren. When they have time, they can go to the nearest park for Taichi to keep them healthy. Their children give them money to go overseas to enjoy and take a good look of other countries culture. But what about my parents, fighting hard to maintain in their job, in the meanwhile they have to take care of their health.
I felt so useless. Only knows how to spend their money. Well, others may think that finding a job is an alternative but now, in this kind of economy, who will want to employ a student to work part time. My time after i started in poly no longer flexible or even stable. But what can I do?
Every time I see my mother suffer in pain due to her health, my heart seems to have thousand of knives slicing it. But I said nothing at all to her. I am not that kind that is good at expressing my feelings to my love ones. It hurts deep down but how can I show it out? I have kick the habit of showing my weakness to others for a long time. And I am used to this kind of method. Burying all deep down. Too many knots in my heart ignored, when time passes it started to tie on. From a small and tiny knot to a pile of strings totally messed up.
I found out that when things starts to bother you, it comes not only in ones but in piles. When things starts to bother you, death seems nothing to be afraid of. Death seems so tempting. This is a mind of an human when things go out of control.
But just some things are just not meant to be touched. Let it remain this way. Let those untouched be ignored. Let death be so tempting now...
..:: left at 12:46 AM .